Need to get back to writing my shit down....

It has been an extremely long time since I have updated my life. Still going to school, however physically and not on line. Loving it, but delays the moving out process that is in dire need. About a week ago my father, in his drunken state, threatened if I came in to the house with out his okay, he would make it look like I shot myself. Naturally I was upset at that remark because knowing him and knowing his past, I actually believed him. The next morning, nothing was said between him and I and my mother wanted me to sit with him and reach out to him. I wasn't in the wrong the previous night and wasn't about to act as if I was to make his life easier.

So I left. Stayed with friends for a week. Today was my first day back home. I walk in and say hello. My mother tells me that the ATT guy is coming back so they put the dogs in their room. I walk in and say hello to Starsky and Rocky. We have a third dog, but he wasn't there to welcome me. I assumed he was hiding under the bed, he does that from time to time. So I walk to the bed side and look under the bed, but Bentley wasn't there. I look in the back yard and when I Came up with nothing I asked my parents where he is. "oh, we took him to the humane society." So emotionless. Apparently, he was "snappy" with kids and the other dogs. He was a rescue dog, just needed more training and patience. I was devastated.. a week before today, I was devastated and knew that to get on with my life I needed to get away from this house. 5 minutes from my return to this house, and I am crushed yet again. I only returned because I had no where to go and have any means of taking care of myself. I returned on desperation and now I feel utterly trapped. My bentley <3

Christmas to everyone, but..

Christmas comes and Christmas goes. The excitement of waking up early and running down stairs to see if Santa came by is gone. Completely! Make me wish I Could live my live back in the day.

I am working, i know i know!!, Finally!The part time job is at Ethan Allen, only for the weekends, And a temp position working with my ex girlfriend. It def has its up and downs. Ups, as I am close  to her and i can see her face and see her smile. A possible up would have been to sneak away for a minute or two to have a passionate kiss. But she wasnt comfortable with that. The bad part was whenever she was having a bad day with whatever she is doing, the heat of it would fall on me. So there is a lil more bickering. But I miss her. Its sad, that neither one of us want the relationship but when we are together, it just fits, it just works you know? But i am moving on. Not to where I am actively looking for dates, but wouldn't be close minded to it. I am really going to be doing this blog thing. so im beat, see ya tomorrow! or who ever actually follows. Would love to hear for you or anybody about anything! =)

Its a start

I just completed my first two days work in a two year time frame. Got to say, it feels pretty great. I mean I am doing the most boring thing possible but at least they allow me to read during the down time. Which will come in handy when school starts.

I can actally see myself on my feet and living my life in the near future. I havent been able to do so in years. This is an awakening for me. I am doing this, I am getting out of my house and in to my own place. I am going to be a grown 25 year old. Oh yea!

My girlfriend and I are still split. I will say how ever I do miss her and wish things went down differently. But she is now in a place where she is confused and not sure of me. It just plain out sucks. But the thing that I don't like is that as everyday that goes by, I find myself moving on a little bit. And everything starts to get easier and easier. The funny part is when ever I get a text from her or see a picture, I am back at square one. It may be may be possible that I am becoming a fb stalker on my ex's page. HA! Things are looking up though, I am excited

Another day in paradise

Dropped out of Kaplan, going to transfer to a local school. I'm feeling really down at the moment. Four years ago I was excited to leave the toxic environment of Florida and to move back to my favorite state Texas. Everything has gone down hill since I moved here. I lost my first dog, Rambo. I was involuntary checked in to the most depressing hospital. My grandfather passed away a few months after when I got out. I lost my job. Had to move back home, in a not so healthy environment. We had to put a dog down. Still unemployed. Weight isn't going anywhere. Have several health issues, but no insurance to check them out. My grandma passed 6 months ago. My dad is very sick. My ma is very depressed and my little sister is still in Florida.

It hasn't been horrible the entire time. My parents got me a mini shnauzer 2 years ago. But he is no longer mine. He has been living in a house with a backyard and two other dogs, it'd be cruel to take him away. After a four year dry spell I finally found someone I would like to have a relationship with. Unfortunately, that ended a few hours Ago. May have not hit me yet, but it was the right thing to do to end it. It was a short relationship, not even three months. Which I've been told in a lesbian relationship it is a long time. But a serious relationship includes family being involved. And we weren't there yet. Which I find very sad but also kept me at bay instead of falling head over heels. Family is the most important thing to me.

I am a difficult person to handle. And I should know by now that very few people can deal with me. Have a thick skin and not take anything personal. I need that. I need to not make sure whoever I am with is okay and don't have their feelings hurt 24/7. It gets exhausting. I need a break.

Yes I am 14

I just wanted to confirm to the world that I am really confident I am 14 years old to every one's eyes in this house.

My dad is a little peeved with money issues. My school education choice is more expensive than he would have picked. He can't believe they suckered me in to that high price for school. Shook his head and went to the other room.

I had plans to see a friend tomorrow for a couple days, but my mother asked if I can start that little get together now. My dad is alcoholic and my mom thinks he may look for a fight with me tonight. As I was when I was 14, repeated times, have been kicked out!! I hope my friend will make lunches for me and write cute notes on my napkins like my friend's mom would! =)

of course you are a great cook!

Today I was reminded of an old tradition my sister and I would do as kids. To start off, let's just say that my mother isn't really the best cook. A lot of times what ever is in the fridge will be thrown in a pot and be called stew or strognaff. As kids, my sister and I wouldn't like some of the stuff my mom would slap on a plate. So very casually and discretely we would "accidentally" drop our napkin over what we didn't like and gingerly pick it up as a fist. And half of our peas would disappear. We also always had a dog around, they make the best garbage disposal. Apparently though that will cause a dog to be at your heels every time you eat. So it is best to keep that in mind.

Now a days, my sister is in a different state for school and I am back at home. We stopped eating at a dinner table years ago and if we are in the same room during a meal then it is a special occasion. So naturally, I wouldn't have to perform a secret operation to hide what I don't want to eat. Today my ma was a little manic and was a little freaking out that no one was eating her home made shrimp salad. My dad liked it, he just hasn't had much of an appetite for some time. So my mom makes me a bowl and I look at it and I saw her manic eyes, this personality I call Brenda. So I take it and sit down. My ma goes to the bathroom and I quickly wrap my food in a napkin and flush it down the toilet. (it was a small portion of shrimp salad) My ma would have heard me putting it down the disposal and would have seen it in the trash. In case you wondering, yes I am 25 years old.

Kind of seems the longer one stays at home with the parents, the further back they get from being their current age. I would say that I am probably 14 right now. Since I was laid off, and haven't found work, out of unemployment for a couple more weeks, so can't pay any of my bills and needing to ask my parents for money, then yes I am 14. At 15, I was working and making my money and paying my bills. Granted, it was just for car insurance, but still. This is slightly a self esteem killer by the way.

Just random...

I don't really have a specific topic to share tonight. I am a little frustrated. When I decided on my English paper topic, I was choosing between bi polar and seasonal depression. I chose bi polar, because I live with it everyday.

Sitting here now though, knowing Thanksgiving is around the corner, the seasonal depression seems more interesting. I mean I know people suffer from it because it is cold and gloomy. The sun isn't out as much and people need UV rays on them to sleep better and just feel a little better in general.

I am excited for Christmas, my favorite is the lights. And its been the first time in a long time being in a relationship during the holidays.