Another day in paradise

Dropped out of Kaplan, going to transfer to a local school. I'm feeling really down at the moment. Four years ago I was excited to leave the toxic environment of Florida and to move back to my favorite state Texas. Everything has gone down hill since I moved here. I lost my first dog, Rambo. I was involuntary checked in to the most depressing hospital. My grandfather passed away a few months after when I got out. I lost my job. Had to move back home, in a not so healthy environment. We had to put a dog down. Still unemployed. Weight isn't going anywhere. Have several health issues, but no insurance to check them out. My grandma passed 6 months ago. My dad is very sick. My ma is very depressed and my little sister is still in Florida.

It hasn't been horrible the entire time. My parents got me a mini shnauzer 2 years ago. But he is no longer mine. He has been living in a house with a backyard and two other dogs, it'd be cruel to take him away. After a four year dry spell I finally found someone I would like to have a relationship with. Unfortunately, that ended a few hours Ago. May have not hit me yet, but it was the right thing to do to end it. It was a short relationship, not even three months. Which I've been told in a lesbian relationship it is a long time. But a serious relationship includes family being involved. And we weren't there yet. Which I find very sad but also kept me at bay instead of falling head over heels. Family is the most important thing to me.

I am a difficult person to handle. And I should know by now that very few people can deal with me. Have a thick skin and not take anything personal. I need that. I need to not make sure whoever I am with is okay and don't have their feelings hurt 24/7. It gets exhausting. I need a break.

Yes I am 14

I just wanted to confirm to the world that I am really confident I am 14 years old to every one's eyes in this house.

My dad is a little peeved with money issues. My school education choice is more expensive than he would have picked. He can't believe they suckered me in to that high price for school. Shook his head and went to the other room.

I had plans to see a friend tomorrow for a couple days, but my mother asked if I can start that little get together now. My dad is alcoholic and my mom thinks he may look for a fight with me tonight. As I was when I was 14, repeated times, have been kicked out!! I hope my friend will make lunches for me and write cute notes on my napkins like my friend's mom would! =)

of course you are a great cook!

Today I was reminded of an old tradition my sister and I would do as kids. To start off, let's just say that my mother isn't really the best cook. A lot of times what ever is in the fridge will be thrown in a pot and be called stew or strognaff. As kids, my sister and I wouldn't like some of the stuff my mom would slap on a plate. So very casually and discretely we would "accidentally" drop our napkin over what we didn't like and gingerly pick it up as a fist. And half of our peas would disappear. We also always had a dog around, they make the best garbage disposal. Apparently though that will cause a dog to be at your heels every time you eat. So it is best to keep that in mind.

Now a days, my sister is in a different state for school and I am back at home. We stopped eating at a dinner table years ago and if we are in the same room during a meal then it is a special occasion. So naturally, I wouldn't have to perform a secret operation to hide what I don't want to eat. Today my ma was a little manic and was a little freaking out that no one was eating her home made shrimp salad. My dad liked it, he just hasn't had much of an appetite for some time. So my mom makes me a bowl and I look at it and I saw her manic eyes, this personality I call Brenda. So I take it and sit down. My ma goes to the bathroom and I quickly wrap my food in a napkin and flush it down the toilet. (it was a small portion of shrimp salad) My ma would have heard me putting it down the disposal and would have seen it in the trash. In case you wondering, yes I am 25 years old.

Kind of seems the longer one stays at home with the parents, the further back they get from being their current age. I would say that I am probably 14 right now. Since I was laid off, and haven't found work, out of unemployment for a couple more weeks, so can't pay any of my bills and needing to ask my parents for money, then yes I am 14. At 15, I was working and making my money and paying my bills. Granted, it was just for car insurance, but still. This is slightly a self esteem killer by the way.

Just random...

I don't really have a specific topic to share tonight. I am a little frustrated. When I decided on my English paper topic, I was choosing between bi polar and seasonal depression. I chose bi polar, because I live with it everyday.

Sitting here now though, knowing Thanksgiving is around the corner, the seasonal depression seems more interesting. I mean I know people suffer from it because it is cold and gloomy. The sun isn't out as much and people need UV rays on them to sleep better and just feel a little better in general.

I am excited for Christmas, my favorite is the lights. And its been the first time in a long time being in a relationship during the holidays.

"How am i straight?"

I have been completely stressed and swamped with my class. I finally finished it today and my mind is now blank, and I could so use a drink. Unfortunately my girlfriend is traveling. And I'm not a big solo drinker.

So my girlfriend and I seem to have this repeating argument. I happen to be bi and I say bi, because it has been years since being with a man but before that I was always with a man with the exception of two girls. So yes I am bi sexual. My girlfriend calls me straight. It seems that she is not a firm believer of the term bi. Which is fine, but it would be awesome if my girlfriend didn't call me straight! ha! I would reply to her, "okay, I'm not with a guy, I sleep with you and spend a lot of time with you, and you are girlfriend, how can you possibly say I am straight?" Then she comes back, "because you are, and what would you say you were if you were with a guy?" "I would say I am bi." So we have this whole ordeal going on, and would love other's two cents.

Personally I would say I am bi or lesbian, no where near straight. I will be honest with you, I haven't been with a man in four and half years and have no intention of pursuing a man. I am with my girlfriend and I love her and love being with her. Let's just say that I love every aspect of our relationship and can see a future. So I am leaning towards lesbian. Another dilemma!

Water Wall Walk

This was the most fun I have had in a long time. My girlfriend isn't really an outdoorsy person, but she took me to this wall of water and we walked around, enjoying the mist and the cool weather. We sat down on the grass and before us we could see children, people walking their dogs, and there was even a couple having engagement photos taken. Beautiful. The smell and sound of water is the best smell and sound I could ever think of. Sadly I moved here from Florida, but my next move will be around water. I can't even explain the feeling being close to water, its like the child wonder in me can come out in play where it is safe. Being around water is home. Ha I need a home. Thank you to my girlfriend for such a thoughtful day. Next post will be more about the loving girlfriend, since she so loving calls me straight. Ain't that a riot! My girlfriend calling and thinking me as straight. Till next time! Zzz

Unit 3

Hi ladies and gents. This post is for my class. I really enjoy being an online student. Gives me a lot free time to spend with family and friends. The only real downside of it is people closest to tend to bring my acheivments to a lesser value because I acheived it all online. Repeatedly I am asked, "well don't you have your text book with you when you are taking your online test?" Of course I do. I mean I know there are some students taking online classes and just getting by, by passing the tests with their book and not actually reading it. But I am not one of those people. Enrolling in school and doing as well as I am in school is a huge self accomplishment for me. I will get the last laugh when I graduate with honors and am actually able to perform amazingly in my career  because I actually studied and learned the information.